Wednesday, June 10, 2009

thinking about the surprises in this adoption

I always thought if I had an unexpected pregnancy I would always refer to it as a surprise because it was something you didnt know you wanted until you got it. Well my adoption plans went sort of that way. I knew what I wanted. A baby. First I had to convince husband we needed to adopt at all. once he was on board with that it was really him who said lets bring home the second one. Of course I said absolutely! But before all that I had this neat little plan of who our child would be. He or she would be young. maybe a year or so. definitely NOT older than 2 or barely 3. They would have some simple easily fixed health problem or maybe no health problem at all. but definitely something fixable in the short term. Twins would be the only way I could get two home I thought. so most likely just one would come home. And come from Ethiopia. I felt called to Haiti but Haiti wouldnt allow us due to family size and length of marriage. and then one day I saw little Sophie and she just stuck in my mind and weighed on my heart. But I wanted a baby I said to myself. I tried everything I could think of to find a family for her. it became clear to me that I needed to be her family. all my "baby dreams" needed to go out the window because this GIRL, this CHILD, needed me more than any baby. I vividly remember spending the day pondering if she would ever get the chance to be outside in the wind and run and have her little blonde pony tail bobbing up and down. I could give up my dreams for myself but I couldnt give up on her. Eric, ever the doubter took one look at her and said go get her. thats all I needed. I was over the moon. She isnt a baby. and thats ok. then we talked about the second child and I remember that very clearly too. I was over the moon again. so here I am in the midst of adopting not one but TWO children who are FAR from being a baby and are not perfectly healthy and are NOT easily fixed. but I am ready. Ready to bring them home in all their imperfections and see only perfection. Ready to bring them home and make them as much my "babies" as they can be. Ready to love them unconditionally. Ready to help them with what may be a life long struggle with their disabilities. Lord I am ready. I am ready to make them my own, even though they are not what I thought I wanted. I knew what I wanted, but what I needed overpowered and I need to have these children, not just any children THESE children in my home in my life in my arms.